The program
Ironclad women's basketball competes in NCAA Division III as a member program of the athletics department. The season runs roughly November–March. There are no athletic scholarships; every roster member is admitted and receives financial aid exactly as any other student, and eligibility rules are written around finishing the degree on time.
Last season
The team went 21–6 and won a share of the regular-season conference title, the program's first title since 2014, led by a junior guard who set the single-season assist record. The team returns its entire starting five.
Coaching
The head coach is in her fourth season, previously an assistant at two other Division III programs. Assistant coaches, an athletic trainer assigned to the program, and a strength coach round out the staff, and every athlete is assigned an academic advisor in athletics who coordinates with their major department.
Home venue and how to attend
Home events are at Ironclad Fieldhouse. Current UW–Porter Falls students enter regular-season home events free with a Porter Card. Single-game and season tickets for the public, along with accessible-seating and parking information, are listed by event on the athletics site. A recent highlight: a nine-game winning streak through January in which the team never trailed in the second half.
Roster snapshot
The roster is roughly 14 players across all four classes, with five nursing and health-sciences majors who schedule practice around clinical rotations, and a team GPA of 3.41. Rosters, schedules, and results for the current season are posted on the athletics site and updated after each event.
Division III, and why it shows here
Practice and travel are scheduled around required labs, studios, and clinical rotations, not the other way around — a wrestler with an evening chemistry lab or a nursing player with a hospital rotation is accommodated, not benched. Missed class time for travel is minimized by the move to a nearer conference beginning in 2027–28, and the program's graduation and academic-progress rates are published alongside its win–loss record.
Fictional information
UW–Porter Falls is a work of parody. Every team, coach, result, statistic and roster detail on this page is invented; nothing here describes a real athletic program.