About these messages
The chancellor sends a campus-wide message when something affects everyone: a leadership change, a tuition decision, a closure, a milestone. She writes them herself and averages about one a month; the office’s rule is that anything that can be a news story should be a news story instead. Full texts are in MyPorter under “Chancellor messages.” Emergency notices come from Campus Safety, not from this list. News coverage of most of these topics is on the news page.
Fall 2026
Millrace Week, and a request
October 2, 2026 · To: all students, faculty and staff
“Millrace Week starts Monday, and the full schedule is out. I’ll be at the Foundry pour Thursday and in the stands for the Forge Bowl Saturday. One request: Cedar Bluff and Founders Triangle are our neighbors 52 weeks a year, not just this one. Be the guests they invite back.”
State of the University: the text and the numbers
September 17, 2026 · To: all faculty, staff and students
“Thank you to everyone who came to the high bay this afternoon. For those who could not, the full text is posted, along with the fact book it draws on. I included what is not working along with what is. If you think I left something out, my office hours are the first Tuesday of the month.”
Our next provost
September 2, 2026 · To: all faculty, staff and students
“I am pleased to share that the search committee’s work has concluded and our next provost will join us in January. The committee included faculty, staff, students and a member of the governing board, and I am grateful for its seriousness. Dr. Halvorsen remains provost through December, and teaching Statics, as usual.”
Welcome to fall 2026
August 31, 2026 · To: all students, faculty and staff
“Welcome back, and to 2,110 new first-year students, welcome. This is the largest fall enrollment in nine years, which means fuller halls and longer lines at The Forge for the first two weeks. Please be patient with the people working those lines. Most of them are your classmates.”
Spring and summer 2026
Founders Hall will be renovated
August 10, 2026 · To: all faculty and staff
“The Regents have approved a $15 million renovation of Founders Hall, beginning next summer. Labs will stay open through the work, phased floor by floor. Facilities will meet with every department in the building this fall before anyone is asked to pack a single box.”
Thank you, Class of 2026
May 18, 2026 · To: all faculty and staff
“On Saturday we sent about 1,650 graduates across the stage, the largest class in our history. Behind every one of them was an adviser, a lab tech, a custodian on the night shift and someone in financial aid who answered a frantic email. Thank you. Please take some time off this summer; I will be checking.”
Tuition for 2026–27
March 27, 2026 · To: all students and families
“The Regents voted yesterday to hold resident tuition at $9,140 for a second year. Fees, housing and meals rise a combined $288, and we have posted every line so no one is surprised in August. If your family’s finances have changed, talk to Financial Aid before May 1.”
Provost Halvorsen to retire
January 26, 2026 · To: all faculty and staff
“Dr. Bjorn Halvorsen has told me he will retire at the end of 2026, after eight years chairing Mechanical Engineering and ten as provost. A national search begins next month, and the committee will hold open forums. Bjorn has asked me to say that this changes nothing about his Statics section, and that the exams will be just as long.”
Fall 2025
The end of a semester, and a snow day
December 15, 2025 · To: all students, faculty and staff
“We closed campus last week for the first full snow day since 2023, and our grounds crew had the walks clear before most of us were awake. On Saturday we conferred 694 degrees. Finals are this week. Rest well over the break; the river will still be frozen in January.”
A new athletic conference
November 6, 2025 · To: all students, faculty and staff
“Beginning in 2027–28, our teams will compete in a new conference whose schools are, on average, two hours closer. That means fewer missed classes and fewer late-night bus rides. The Forge Bowl is not affected. Chippewa Valley State will still be on the schedule, and we will still want to beat them.”
Fictional information
UW–Porter Falls is a work of parody. These messages, their dates and the chancellor who signed them are invented; no real campus received them, and the Statics exams are fictional, though probably long.